Why?
by Jageroux
Summary: StingXNatsuXGajeel. No, this not yaoi. Not even closely related to yaoi in any shape or form. Will there be a StingxNatsuxGajeel love triangle? Most definitely. Also, blame all of this on Kuroyagi. Did he have jack shit to do with this fic? Maaaaaaaybe. Anyway, plot has taken a back seat for a while and now it's complete and utter, WTF Randomness. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Look, don't ask me how, but this is all Kuroyagi's fault. Blame him for everything. Does he have jack shit to do with this? Nope. But, if I can, I'm gonna pawn off all hate reviews onto him. So, prepare to have your minds fucked peopled. Because, before this fic is over, your mind will be fucked so hard it's going to be pregnant. Now, THAT is disturbing.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail. Hiro Mashima does. Because if I did, Jellal wouldn't exist, Natsu wouldn't end every single fight with a Nakama Punch, and Gajeel would get the respect he F*ckin' deserves while having a sexy harem. Also, Cobra would be smackin' bitches left and right like a freakin' boss.

* * *

Natsu sighed as she walked through Magnolia with Happy at her side. She had just finished stomping some bandits into a hole. It was fun, she had to admit, but it lacked something she couldn't put her finger on. Danger? Not really, not like she was ever intimidated, but there was danger. She had to take a train! Excitement, maybe? Yeah, it was fun to stomp a group of bandits that could hardly fight back into the ground. Not because they did anything _really_ bad, like murder or something, but because they kept staring at her boobs! God, as if it wasn't enough Erza made her wrap them up in some stupid bandages, because 'walking around with only a vest on is _indecent_' Erza scolded, but she also had to deal with some smelly perverts ogling her body! She could've sworn one of them touched her ass! She growled as she thought about it and Happy looked up at her.

"What's wrong?" he asked slightly intrigued by Natsu's sudden mood swing. He had been watching her face, and saw how it went from bored to questioning, to straight up pissed off. She looked down at him and rubbed the back of her head, "Nothing much. Just thinking about something is all." She said giggling, causing Happy to narrow his eyes, "Don't. Thinking is bad for _your_ brain. Not everyone's, just yours" he snickered flying off as Natsu lunged at him.

How dare he!? She was going to pay him back for that little comment. She sighed as she went back to thinking about her previous problem. Most missions she took now seemed to lack flare. She grinned to herself as she thought about one red-headed, slightly crazy red-head. She'd go see her later, and add a little 'flare' into her day. She shivered as she thought about the things Flare, her tongue in particular, could do.

She looked up and stopped in front of the guild and stared at the doors. She sighed and stepped back before stopping and taking a quick breath before running forward and jumping up dropkicking the door off of the hinges sending it crashing through the guild hitting Elfwoman knocking her out instantly. She strutted inside while everyone either sighed or face palmed while a few did both. They knew she was the only one that would go out of her way to create unnecessary damage to the guild.

"Dammit Natsu, this is the third door this week!" Gray complained from her table where she sat completely naked, "Can you go one day without destroying something?" she asked causing Natsu to shrug and look at her with a smirk on her face.

"Can you go one day without stripping? I swear it's like you subconsciously want to screw everyone within a one mile radius." Natsu teased while Gray stomped around trying to find her clothes causing a few people to face palm while a few of the newer members just gaped at the fact that this seemed to be something that happened regularly. Cana just continued to drink. She had stopped caring years ago, if Gray wanted to walk around naked and let people secretly masturbate while staring at her that was her business. More power to her.

Macao sat in a dark corner in the back of the guild crying silently. This wasn't right. Why was it that every single female in the guild was under aged, hot, and barely wore anything, if they wore anything at all? It would be different if at least ONE of them was of legal age. He slammed his head onto his table and sighed. Life just had to screw him over. While he sat in his corner moping around while drowning his sorrows in alcohol, Romeo sat at the counter drinking his juice contemplating the meaning of the universe. Natsu walked over to him and grinned as she hugged him. While it wasn't exactly hugging but more along the lines of smothering him to death with her boobs, she didn't care and he'd grown used to this a while ago.

"Yo." He said with his voice muffled while Natsu continued to smother him while Mira walked over to them with a cheeky grin on her face.

"Natsu, I knew you liked them young, but isn't Romeo just a bit _too_ young?" she said causing Natsu to glare at her.

"You're disgusting you know that right?" Natsu said still not releasing Romeo who was close to dying from suffocation.

Mira laughed and began wiping off the counter. Natsu instantly dropped Romeo when she felt something soft pressed against her back. "You left before I woke up." Gajeel pouted while hugged her tighter while Natsu chuckled, "I was planning on being back before you woke up honestly." Natsu said uneasily. Gajeel grinned and lowered her hands to Natsu's hips and roughly pulled her against her, "Make it up to me later." She whispered in a sultry voice causing Natsu to grin, she knew what she was going to be doing later on to night.

"You two are disgusting," Gray complained walking up to them, "You can't even get to a private place before you start having sex?" Gray asked annoyed.

Gajeel huffed and walked up to Gray until they were so close their boobs were smushing together. Gray narrowed her eyes and glared at Gajeel who smirked in return, "You got a problem Ice Queen?" Gajeel asked while Gray shrugged causing their boobs to jiggle and Natsu to grin. Oh how she loved her best friend and twin sister.

She walked over to them grinning before pulling them apart and draping an arm over each of their shoulders, "I've been thinking" she said causing Gray to shiver and Gajeel to sweat drop, "Fuck me." She said already fearing for her safety, Natsu looked at her and winked, "Later." She said making Gajeel blush and Gray turn her head to the side and pretend to puke.

Natsu pulled them both closer to her as they arrived at the job board, "Let's go on a job together!" She said excitedly while Gajeel examined the board for anything that caught her attention while Gray shrugged, "Not like I've got anything better to do." She said while Gajeel grabbed a piece of paper off of the board before reading it aloud in a monotone voice,

_Please help, multiple people have disappeared out of our village, and we don't know how or why! Find the missing villagers and find out why they disappeared. Reward: 500,000 Jewels._

"Sounds pretty damn interesting if you ask me." Gajeel said while Natsu grinned and Gray cocked an eyebrow.

"Missing villagers? Sounds pretty damn boring if you ask me." Gray said with a sigh before Natsu suddenly turned around and looked at her, "It's a mystery!" she said with sparkling eyes.

Gray shrugged again, "That's awesome for smart people but someone as dumb as you can't even figure out what 2 plus 2 is. How the hell do _you_ expect to find disappearing villagers? Answer that for me." Gray said with a smirk while flames started forming on Natsu's forehead signaling she was getting pissed. Before she could do anything Gajeel grabbed her head and shoved Natsu's face in between her boobs. Gray watched as Natsu wrapped her arms around Gajeel waist and embedded her face even further down between Gajeel's boobs, if that was even possible, while Gajeel never took her eyes off of the paper.

Gray rubbed her face before putting a shirt on she picked up off the floor, "You two are the sickest twins I've ever met in my life." Gray remarked while Natsu blindly flipped her off and Gajeel yawned.

"Well points to you for realizing that after all of these years. Would you like an award? A trophy perhaps?" Laxus' condescending voice rang out behind her.

Gray flinched and turned around and saw Laxus walking up to them with her arms folded in front of her chest. She ripped the paper out of Gajeel's hand before looking at it. Gajeel took a deep breath before turning her head to the side slowly and looking at Laxus, "What do you want?" she asked trying to remain calm.

Laxus looked up from the paper and looked at her with a smile, "I'm bored and I want to be entertained, so get to entertaining me." Laxus said with grin while Gajeel took a deep breath, "That was one night only…" she said in an exasperated tone. Laxus frowned as she brushed a stray stand of hair out of Gajeel's face causing her to blush, "Stop." Gajeel said biting her lip.

Gray narrowed her eyes as she watched their interactions, was she the only one that didn't have sex with anyone she met? She watched as Laxus trailed a single finger down the side of Gajeel neck causing her to blush a shade of red that would put Erza's hair to shame, "Stop Laxus…" Gajeel whimpered making Laxus smirk, she was definitely getting her entertainment.

"NATSU!" Erza's voice echoed through the guild making Natsu remove her face from in between Gajeel's boobs and look at her, while Gajeel, Gray and Laxus backed away from Natsu not wanting to get caught up in Natsu's punishment. Erza stomped through the guild towards Natsu who began sweating trying to think of lie that could get her out of whatever pain Erza intends on inflicting her. Erza grabbed Natsu by her vest and lifted her off the ground while glaring at her, "Why in hell is the door missing?" she asked while Natsu looked at her with utter calmness which made everybody wonder why she wasn't scared.

"After I got back in town, I was walking towards the guild and I ran into Elfwoman. Now, she was pissed over the fact that I kicked her ass the last time I fought her and that I wasn't being 'womanly' enough. So, insults were exchanged before she decided to fight me, _but_ I just got back from a job and I had stuff on my mind and I didn't want to be bothered with fighting her so I ran with her chasing after me. As we neared the guild I jumped on the door and did a backflip off of it, but, she isn't as flexible as me, which you know,-Natsu winked at her making her blush- and she ran straight into the door crashing through it. Which is why, she's laying there unconscious with the door on top of her." Natsu stated making everyone's, except Erza's, jaw drop. How the hell did she think of an elaborate lie like that so quick? And what's more it sounded plausible.

Erza looked at her warily before placing her back on the floor, "I'll make her fix the door later." She said with a nod while Natsu grinned, "Apologize." She said making Erza's eyes pop open and everyone just gaped. She wanted Erza to apologize to her?

Erza swallowed her pride and bowed, "Please forgive me for falsely accusing you." She said while Natsu smirked, "No." Everyone gasped, Erza apologized but she didn't want to accept her apology?

Erza stood up straight and started sweating, "B-But, I said I'm sorry…." She said not knowing what else she was supposed to say, Natsu sighed and looked at her like she was an ignorant child, "I want a kiss. Right here. In front of everyone." She stated simply while Erza stared at her while sweating and everyone else's jaw dropped. Erza took a shaky step forward while everyone watched. Laxus was definitely getting her entertainment. Gajeel was trying to resist the urge to roll around on the floor and laugh her ass off while Gray was crying from holding her laughter inside. Mira was leaning on the counter grinning; this was going to be interesting.

Erza stood in front of Natsu who stood in front of her smirking. Erza leaned forward quickly kissing Natsu's cheek before pulling at and stared at Natsu's un-amused face. She sweated, "N-Now Natsu….." Erza said not thinking Natsu was being serious but Natsu just stared back at her clearly annoyed.

"Just kiss her you pussy." Laxus said getting annoyed herself, while everyone questioned was it ok to call a girl a pussy. Erza straightened her back and took a deep breath before she gently grabbed Natsu's cheeks with both of her hands. Everyone watched with held breaths as Erza leaned forward her lips inching closer to Natsu's. Mira was grinning like a psycho and gripping the counter so hard it was cracking. Gajeel covered her mouth with her hand and Gray froze her own mouth and just stood crying, using her ice to contain her laughter.

Erza squeezed her eyes shut and felt heat flow through her body as her lips pressed against Natsu's. Her eye's widened as she felt a tongue slip into her mouth and she stared into Natsu's onyx colored eyes which held blatant amusement before Erza pushed Natsu away and everybody stared as they saw a thin line of drool hang from Erza's and Natsu's mouths. Mira laughed her ass off as she collapsed to the floor, while Gray passed out and Gajeel laughed silently while pointing at Erza. Laxus stood grinning, this was certainly amusing.

"Wow Erza, I didn't know you swung that way," Happy remarked, "I wonder what Jellal is gonna think when I send him these pictures." He said as he flew out of the guild with photographic evidence in his furry little paws. Erza gaped as everyone laughed and Natsu threw an arm over her shoulder and led her to Laxus and Gajeel, "Want to come on a job with us?" Natsu asked cheerfully.

Laxus cocked an eyebrow, "I never said I was coming along." Laxus said while Natsu waived away her statement,"Of course you are. I mean, we're probably gonna have to split into groups and group one will be me, Erza and Gray and group two will be you and Gajeel. All alone. With absolutely no one around." Natsu winked at her making Laxus grin as she wrapped and arm around Gajeel's neck and pulled her closer.

"**Fire Dragon's Sword Horn**!" a voice rang out as the guild suddenly was filled with a bright light and smoke. Everyone coughed as the smoke began to clear they saw five blurry figures standing among the smoke.

"Wow, you're pretty strong Natsu, but I won't lose." One of the figures said and Natsu raised an eyebrow as she heard her name but grinned at the fact that they knew she was strong.

"Heh, I gotta say you definitely surprised me." One of the others remarked. Everyone's eye's widened as the smoke cleared revealing five men. Two standing opposite of the other three. One of the two was Sting who had Dragon Force activated along with Rogue who stood next to him. Across from them stood Natsu, Gajeel and Laxus, with flames forming around Natsu's fist with a grin spread across his face. Laxus blinked. Gajeel blinked. Rogue blinked. Natsu and Sting continued to stare at each other with grins across their face. Rogue's eyes widened as he pointed towards Gajeel, well female Gajeel, "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-why does G-Gajeel have b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-" he stuttered on as both Gajeel's eyes widened at the sight of the other while Laxus looked around until he locked eyes with his female equivalent.

"I am so being fucked with right now." He stated with wide eyes as female Laxus stared back at him. Sting clenched his fist, "Let's finish this Natsu." He said as Natsu nodded he was about to rush forward when Rogue hit him on the back of the head. He turned around and glared at Rogue until his eye's drifted straight past Rogue onto a busty pink-haired individual who smirked at him return. His jaw dropped as he left Dragon Force and just gaped as his heart started beating erratically. He'd never felt anything like this before. His jaw started trembling as he continued to stare and his heart nearly stopped as she grinned at him. Laxus vomited in his mouth as he saw female Natsu walk towards Sting. It wasn't the fact that Natsu was a woman it was because of how she was walking. She walked towards Sting with a flirtatious smile on her face shaking her hips with each step as the bandages on her chest began to burn off. No one believed what they were seeing. Laxus had collapsed to his knees and was vomiting all over the floor, wanting to wash away that sight from his brain. Rogue's eye's widened to size of saucers, partially because of females Natsu's…..actions but mainly because he saw female Gajeel. He stared as a million dirty thoughts went through his mind before he passed out with a grin. Male Natsu waved at Erza who gave an uncertain wave back.

Gajeel on the other hand, stared at Natsu, well, Female Natsu. He'd hated Natsu since he first met him but this was different. He stared at her while she walked towards Sting and silently wished something crush him so Natsu would change direction and come to him instead. Wait. Back that shit up. He did NOT want Natsu. No matter how hot she looked. Didn't matter that her boobs were the biggest he'd ever seen. Didn't matter that he could stare in her eyes forever. Didn't matter that he liked girls with long hair. Didn't matter that her hair stomped right at her lower back. Nope. Didn't matter at all. Damn he was fucked. No, he wouldn't let himself be seduced by her. Even though she wasn't trying to seduce him. Even though she hadn't noticed him because that bastard Sting distracted her, because if he wouldn't have, she'd totally be in his arms. Not like he wanted her to be in his arms but he was just saying, she totally would be. He looked to his side and saw Laxus hunched over looking quite sick.

Sting's teeth chattered as Natsu stood in front of him, "I don't think we've met before." She said in a low voice as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her chest against his.

Sting's eyes widened as his entire body tightened up. He stared at her as she cocked her head to the side and smiled at him seductively. A stream of blood shot from his nose sending him flying into the ceiling where the lower half of his body was the only thing visible as he hung from the ceiling. Gajeel blinked and looked over to his side, looking for male Natsu and male Laxus only to see Natsu was at the bar bothering a bewildered Mira for something to eat and Laxus was sitting in a dark corner sick to his stomach. He felt something soft pressed his side and looked over to only to meet the mischievous onyx eyes of female Natsu. She grinned at he had to struggle to maintain his composure, she tilted her head to the side, which was to Gajeel, one of the sexiest things he'd ever seen in his life.

"So I take it, unlike your friend, you've actually come into contact with a girl before." She asked while he let out a slight 'humph'. He would've spoken, but he didn't trust himself to open his own damn mouth which was just pitiful. He called himself a Dragon Slayer but he couldn't even talk to a girl? Well, she wasn't just any girl; she was a busty, pink-haired, vixen and the sexiest woman he'd ever seen. 'I have the strangest boner right now' he thought to himself. While you'd think every time he saw her he'd think of the pink-haired dumbass he was accustomed to seeing, but he didn't. He continued to stare in her eyes, careful not give anything away, as a single drip of sweat rolled down his cheek. Natsu narrowed her eyes. She always wins, and she refuses to lose now. She leaned forward and stuck her tongue out, placing the tip on cheek before dragging it upwards licking his cheek along with the singular drop of sweat. She pulled away from him grinning, "So sweet." She said while he closed his eyes and bit his lip. Nope. Not even gonna work on him. He crossed his arms and dug the nails from his hand into his opposite arm while Natsu's eye began twitching. So, she had to deal with the hard to get types. Just makes thing more interested she held him tighter and rested her head on his shoulder while he dug his nails into his arm even more. Yeah, he was fucked.

* * *

*Trollface*

That's pretty much all I have to say...


	2. Chapter 2

I have nothing to say. I've practically abandoned the original plot-ish thing I had and now it's just this.

Expect this to be nothing but randomness from the mind of someone with ADHD.

You've been warned so hard.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail. Hiro Mashima does. Because if I did, Jellal wouldn't exist, Natsu wouldn't end every single fight with a Nakama Punch, and Gajeel would get the respect he F*ckin' deserves while having a sexy harem. Also, Cobra would be smackin' bitches left and right like a freakin' boss.

* * *

A lone figure stood on a stage in front of an impassive crowd reserving judgment until the show began. The figure took a bow and the crowd watched the ballerina as the figure assumed the stance every ballerina takes with one foot to the front and the other behind it point to the side. As the tempo suddenly started at fast pace the figure jumped through the air gracefully like a gazelle before landing on its toe and spinning as it kept the other foot at kneed level and its back arched. It bent its one knee before jumping away spreading its leg forward as it sailed through the sky before landing.

"Holy shit," A man in a red trench coat with white hair said as he watched the person do their dance, which was pretty good but that's not the point, as he covered his mouth with his hand and grinned like a madman, "you are so dead bro."

Another man standing next to him with black hair and a white tee-shirt and a black jacket that had red lining just cried from joy.

"I regret nothing." He said as the person continued to dance and he had stop himself from laughing as his eyes watered.

The figure spun in place as the feathers from its tutu, yes the person wore a tutu (whatcha gonna do?), formed a circle around them while the tutu remained intact and skipped all over the stage, leaving feather in their wake as the crowd clapped and tears came to their eyes at the sheer beauty of it all.

"Oh my god…." Shedauwz, the man in the red trench coat said, as he watched as the person twirled and rainbows began appearing as 'Gay Bar by the Electric Six' began playing in the background and the person's tempo sped up matching the song.

I wanna take you to a gay bar  
I wanna take you to a gay bar  
I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar

Roxas', the black haired man and the author, eyes bulged, "I-I didn't put that in the script….." he said unable to believe this.

I've got something to put in you  
I've got something to put in you  
I've got something to put in you  
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar

"You're beyond fucked at this point." Shedauwz said laughing his ass off as he watched as the person began doing mild hip thrust while still doing the ballerina dance, which should technically be impossible but it was still happening.

You're a super star  
At the gay bar  
You're a super star  
At the gay bar  
Yeah, you're a super star, at the gay bar  
You're a super star, at the gay bar

The figure then began slowing down ever gracefully as the music began coming to a close and everyone in the crowd watched in amazement as this person- no being, as they had to be more than a regular person after doing such a complicated yet graceful dance that was both sorrowful yet, full of happiness came to an graceful end. As the person laid down on the stage with the back of their hand on their forehead and sweat rolled down their delicate features, the audience stood up cheerfully as some wiped away tears of happiness and others screamed from glee unable to contain their excitement and others showered the stage and the person with thornless roses as they all shouted one thing.

Kuroyagi.

Kuroyagi was like no other person; able to do complicated and emotional dances at the young and tender age of 1 month old.

Shedauwz and Roxas began laughing their asses off and hitting the floor as they rolled around.

At the age of 3 years old, Kuroyagi was competing with veteran ballerinas and winning trophies and medals before he was known as the best ballerina to ever grace the earth with his tender presence. And out of the blue he suddenly announced to the world that he was going to be performing one more time for all of his fans that followed him when he first started out.

He stood up before blowing kisses to his fans and giving a slight curtsey before walking off of the stage with the grace and elegance someone of his caliber would be expected to have, as the curtain closed behind him and the crowd went wild.

"Wait…..what!?" Kuroyagi asked still in his ballerina costume and tutu, while Roxas and Shedauwz continued to laugh.

"Just what the hell are you two playing at here? Do you honestly think I'll let you get away with this?" he asked as Roxas and Shedauwz stopped laughed and started sweating.

"He was a co-conspirator!" Roxas yelled as he poked Shedauwz in the eye.

"Gah! Dammit! My eye! Wait….you snitch!" Shedauwz yelled as Roxas grinned and covered his mouth stifling a laugh. If he was going down he wasn't going down alone.

Kuroyagi nodded as he pulled out a notebook and looked at Shedauwz.

"How do you spell 'Shedauwz'? Also, what's your last name?" Kuroyagi inquired as he held the pin over the page of the notebook. Shedauwz eyes widened as he looked at the back of the notebook and gasped.

"N-No! C'mon Kuro, it's for the shits and giggles ya know?" he asked as his legs began trembling. He wouldn't use that. No, he wasn't that cruel.

Roxas quirked an eyebrow as his curiosity got the better of him as he peeked over Shedauwz' shoulder and read the notebook before his jaw dropped.

"Y-You don't intend on using that do you?" Roxas asked as he began sweating. He was sure he had locked it up somewhere safe.

'_Pffft, like you could keep this from me' _Kuroyagi thought as Roxas' eyebrow twitched.

'_Oi, don't read and comment on my thoughts.'_ Roxas replied mentally.

'_Jigglepocalypse!'_ Shedauwz thought happily as he and Roxas exchanged high fives and Kuroyagi shook his head, not even wanting to ask, knowing their stupidity was contagious.

"Yeah…whatever, first off, change my clothes." Kuroyagi demanded as he suddenly wore a tee-shirt, jeans and shoes.

"Also, you didn't describe my sexy looks.' Kuroyagi added as his head warped into a bear head.

"…."

Roxas and Shedauwz started laughing again.

Kuroyagi roared as he wrote Shedauwz' name in the notebook.

Roxas gulped as Shedauwz suddenly glowed and his eyes widened as he saw Shedauwz' new appearance. He still looked the same mostly accept he was a….she.

"What!? Why the hell do I have- Ooh~ Jiggly Jiggly!" Shedauwz remarked as he, erm, _she_ played with his, uh…._her_ boobs and Roxas turned away as blood trailed out of his nose.

Kuroyagi laughed beary hard at this.

"You did not." Kuroyagi growled out in a beary loud voice as Shedauwz and Roxas resumed their laughter.

"Beary!" Shedauwz said as he- dammit, _she_ continued to laugh.

"I'm hilarious!" Roxas remarked as the notebook appeared in his hand and he placed it in his jacket pocket.

"Oi! When are you gonna turn me back?" Shedauwz asked as Roxas grinned.

"Frankly, I prefer you without the dick." Roxas said grinning as Shedauwz realized he- _she_ wasn't wearing a shirt, only a trench coat.

"You perverted bastard!" Shedauwz remarked as she threw an apple at Roxas' head as he dodged it expertly.

"How the hell do you dodge an apple expertly?" Kuroyagi growled, still pissed that he had a bear head.

Roxas shrugged in return.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be writing a fic? And not this random shit?" Shedauwz said as she narrowed her eyes and poked the screen on which you read this totally awesome and non-random fic.

"Eh, I'll get to it eventually. Just not right now." Roxas said.

* * *

_3 minutes later._

A white haired woman walked through the beach accompanied by four other half naked women, but they didn't matter, well they did because they were freakin' half naked.

"Aren't most women half naked when they go to the beach?" Kuroyagi growled seeing as how the author, me, was too lazy to change his head back.

Roxas shrugged as he continued to watch.

"Say, where's Shedauwz? I figured he, well _she_ would want to be around for whatever you have planned." Kuroyagi growled simply as a devilish smirk appeared on Roxas face and he nodded in the direction of the half-naked women. Kuroyagi's eyes widened.

"No." Kuroyagi growled, trying to suppress his laughter.

"Yup." Roxas said as his eyes wandered to the white haired woman.

She wore thigh high leather boots,

'_No.'_

Along with short shorts that only came down to her thighs, leaving a small space of skin visible between the shorts and boots, and hug limply on her waist showing her awesome child bearing hips.

'_Stop!'_

Trailing upwards, she wore a skimpy-

'_Don't do this.'_

Ripped tee shirt that barely covered her G-cup breast-

'_Jigglepocalypse!'_

Leaving her toned stomach exposed as her white hair, that ended at her lower back swayed behind her as she walked making sure to swing those awesome child bearing hips with each step.

'_I hate you so much.'_

The women stopped as the white haired woman glared at Roxas and Kuroyagi, who was nursing a beary small nose bleed, and let out a sharp 'tsk'.

Roxas smirked at the woman, "How's it going Shedauwz?"

"I'm hating you with every fiber of my being right now." Shedauwz replied sharply as Roxas' smirk grew.

"You hate me now? You'll seriously hate me after this." Roxas stated as Lithuanian pop began playing and Shedauwz suppressed a groan as she and the women started doing the Tootsee Roll.

"What!? What the hell is the Tootsee Roll?" Shedauwz asked as she continued to do it.

Kuroyagi scratched his chin beary lightly as he pulled a laptop out of the sand and looked it up. He promptly passed out with nose bleeding beary hard.

Roxas watched as lecherous grin spread across his face and Shedauwz glared still doing the Tootsee Roll.

* * *

_1 minute later._

"Royal Flush!" Kuroyagi announced beary loudly as he slammed his cards down on the table as Shedauwz, who was a man again, and Roxas groaned.

"What's the matter guys? You look beary mad." Kuroyagi said laughing beary loud.

"You're totally cheating." Shedauwz said as Roxas nodded in agreement.

"Wel-" Kuroyagi said as the door to their apartment flew past his head and he ducked.

Shedauwz stood up and scythe appeared in his hand, "Who blew down our door!?" he asked towards the door and Roxas quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh! Well, I see you're having fun withcha COOL NEW FRIENDS!" A black haired man, wearing a black shirt and black pants, with a chain hanging from the belt loops, yelled as Roxas groaned and rubbed his face.

"Sam, look…" Roxas said as Shedauwz and Kuroyagi listened intently not knowing what was going on.

"Look!? Look at what!? You're here, withcha COOL NEW FRIENDS, and you hardly ever come hang out with your other friends!" Sam yelled as his right pupil rattled around in his eyeball and Roxas chuckled.

"Eh, I still hang out with you loser- _guys_ every now and then, just not as much as I used too." Roxas said smirking.

"I know that! That's the problem because you're always withcha COOL NEW FRIENDS!" Sam yelled as his voice started to resemble Samuel L. Jackson's.

"Dude, you need to take a chill pill." Roxas said sensing where this may be going.

"TAKE A CHILL PILL!? TAKE A CHILL PILL!? DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH!? BITCH, I'LL CHILL YO PILL! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING FICS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING WEBSITE!" Sam yelled as he finally calmed down, his eye twitched as he saw Roxas, Shedauwz and Kuroyagi had gone back to playing poker.

"Dammit! You bastards! Roxas, you and ya COOL NEW FRIENDS, can go burn in h-e double hockey sticks!" Sam said in indignation as Shedauwz pointed at him.

"Oooooh! You said baaaaaaaaad word!" Shedauwz said teasingly as Sam rolled his eyes.

"Look here yo-" Sam was cut off as the scene changed and they were on a mountain and the sky was grey as lightning roared through the clouds above them.

They looked up to the top of the mountain and saw a man sitting there on an armchair. He had a ponytail, and wore hakama pants and a tee shirt. He sat on his throne as he sipped his sake.

Sam, who was dressed as Roxas from Kingdom Hearts 2, summoned a sword that resembled, but totally wasn't, a keyblade.

Kuroyagi, who still had the head of bear, was suddenly dressed like Sora, and a keyblade-like sword appeared in his hand.

Shedauwz and Roxas remained dressed in their regular clothes and exchanged high fives. As Shedauwz' scythe and Roxas' claymore both appeared in their respective owner's hands as all four of them charged up the mountain towards their mutual enemy.

Kingsun.

* * *

To be continued flashed across the screen as Gajeel stared in awe. What the hell did he just watch?

He walked away from the TV as he stared at looked around the guild. Everything was normal. Well, as normal as it got here. Female Natsu was practically raping Sting while Rogue was perving on Gajeel's female counterpart.

Male Laxus was sitting in a corner disturbed as his female counterpart had decided to sit in his lap and Gajeel felt a tad bit of pity for him. I mean, who wouldn't? He was trying to screw himself.

Gajeel chuckled as he thought about that amusing situation. Must do serious damage to someone's mind. Gajeel narrowed his eyes and looked around for Natsu. He hadn't seen the bastard in the entire month they'd been here. He wondered if something happened to the pink haired bastard but shrugged it off.

Sting shivered as Natsu pressed up against him and began biting his ear.

"E-Eh, w-what are you doing?" he stammered out as he tried to push her away to no avail.

"Tasting my meal." Natsu whispered in his ear as he blushed and tried to push her away. He gasped as he felt his hands pressed against something soft. He looked down and saw he was grabbing her boobs and he looked up and saw she was smirking.

"Seems like you and I are on the same track lover boy." Natsu said as she rubbed his cheek and he shivered at the contact.

"W-What!? I'm n-not I d-d-didn't mean t-" His stammering was cut off as Gajeel punched him in the face sending him crashing into a wall.

Gajeel huffed as he watched Sting slide to the floor unconscious. Bastard touching his woman, not that Natsu was his woman. Because she totally wasn't. Nope, he didn't feel anything for her other than annoyance.

A lump formed in his throat when he felt Natsu hug his arm, as she pressed her to soft mounds against his arm and bit his lip. Dammit all.

"Let me go." Gajeel said with as much resolve he could muster.

"Let you go? But you got so jealous you knocked out my toy! You're so cute when you're jealous." Natsu teased as Gajeel coughed.

"I am not jealous. Me and that bastard were in the middle of fighting when we wound up here, I was just finishing it." Gajeel said resolutely as the doors burst open and a few of the guild members looked towards the door.

"Sup bitches." Cobra said smiling smugly as he walked in with his arms wrapped around Erza and…Jellal?

Gajeel did a spit take as he saw the blue-haired woman. The only reason he noticed it was her was because of her tattoo. His eyes wandered to her chest and his eyes widened. He pointed towards her chest frantically.

"H-How big are those!?" He asked astonished as Jellal winked at him.

"G Cup." She answered simply as Gajeel passed out with blood draining out of his nose. Natsu frowned as she glared at Jellal who smirked in return.

"What's wrong? You mad you'll never have awesome boobs like me?" Jellal teased as Natsu growled and stomped off.

Wait.

Gajeel got up and stared at Cobra.

"What the hell are you doing here Slitherfuck?" Gajeel asked calling Cobra by the nickname he created for him in the spur of the moment as Cobra chuckled.

"Who the hell do you think the Guild Master is?" Cobra replied as Gajeel's jaw dropped. Wait what?

"Y-You're the Guild Master? Where the hell is Makarov?" Gajeel asked not understanding this.

"Dead." Cobra replied simply as everyone nodded.

"What!? How did he die?" Gajeel asked wondering how the old man kicked the bucket.

"You know during the first major arc where you were introduced. The…..uh….what arc was it?" Cobra asked seriously not remembering it.

"The Phantom Lord Arc?" Erza said with mild uncertainty as Cobra nodded.

"Yup that one. That was when the old man met one of his many 'deaths' in the manga right?" Cobra asked still not remembering exactly what happened.

"Didn't Aria do something or the other and it almost killed him?" Jellal asked as everyone nodded.

"Yup. So basically, the author got sick and tired of all of Makarov's near deaths and decided to kill him off for good." Cobra stated as Gajeel narrowed his eyes.

"How many did he have?" Gajeel asked seeing as how he never paid much attention to the manga.

"Hmmm, well there was when Aria almost killed him. Then there was that time he had a heart attack during Laxus' Rebellion thingy. Then when Hade's shot him through the chest/heart area. Then when he made that shitty ass speech when he was holding Acnologia back and he totally should have bit the dust, but he didn't. So, the author has decided to rectify this by killing him permanently." Cobra explained as Gajeel nodded in understanding.

"But, how the hell did you become Guild Master?" Gajeel asked curious.

"The author decided the Guild needed a badass Master, and he decided to make it me. It was a tie between me and you, because we're his favorite character out of all of these fools, but he decided to make it me because he has nefarious plans for you." Cobra said as Gajeel narrowed his eyes and leaned back.

"Define, 'nefarious'." Gajeel said as Cobra reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone before typing something in.

"**Nefarious-**_**adj.**_**-Infamous by way of being extremely wicked; evil; wicked; sinful.**" Cobra said as he looked up the definition and Gajeel glared at him.

"First off, give me this." Gajeel said as he ripped the phone out of Cobra's hand and ate it as Cobra snarled at him.

"Second, you know what I meant you wiseass." Gajeel said as Cobra laughed.

"Well I can't reveal anything, or else the author will get pissed and do something drastic." Cobra explained as Gajeel started sweating.

"Whatever." Gajeel said as he walked away.

"That guys weird." Jellal remarked as she watched him walk away.

"I suppose. I mean, do you see all those piercings? I wonder how much that hurt?" Erza inquired as Cobra chuckled.

"He took it like a boss." Cobra said as they walked away to his office.

* * *

Laxus recoiled as female Laxus ran a finger on his cheek and grinned as he did so. Out of all of the worlds he could be sent to, he got sent to the one where his counterpart tried to rape him. Female Laxus wrapped her arms around his neck rubbed her cheek against his and he shivered. He tried running but she always drags him back.

"When are you going to stop resisting me?" Female Laxus asked as Male Laxus flinched.

"Get away from me." Laxus said as his female counterpart grinned and ran her finger over his collar bone. Laxus whimpered as tried to push her away, to no avail.

'_What the hell? Are the women here made of freakin' brick?'_

Female Laxus laughed as she tried to kiss him as he narrowly dodged.

"A challenge. I like that." She growled in excitement as her teeth sharpened and male Laxus' eyes widened.

* * *

Female Gajeel watched with mild interest before she let out an annoyed sigh.

"What. Do. You. Want?" She growled out angrily as Rogue stepped out of the shadows and handed her a rose before squealing like a schoolgirl and running away. She eyed the flower before placing it in her hair. Damn she was pretty.

* * *

_House in the woods on the outskirts of Magnolia._

"Um, t-that was….awesome." Natsu gasped out as he looked over to the woman lying next to him.

"It wasn't the worst." Gildarts remarked as she stretched and sat up in her bed before she looked down at Natsu.

"Do, you like need some cab fare or something? Or, are you going to, like walk or something?" Gildarts asked feeling a little awkward as Natsu sweated.

Did she think he was a whore? Honestly, that was the most insulting thing he ever heard in his life.

"Um, c-can I get something to eat?" Natsu asked as Gildarts nodded and walked off.

Natsu curled up in the sheets feeling awkward as hell. He'd never be able to look Gildarts in the face, if he ever got back to his world. I mean, how was he supposed to tell him, he screwed his female counter part? That would be weird as hell.

Natsu sighed as he closed his eyes. He regretted nothing.

* * *

*Whistles*

Shedauwz glares as he looked up what the Tootsee Roll was.

Kuroyagi coughs beary lightly seeing as how he still has a bear's head.

Nothing is said. Everything is understood.

"You ripped that from Assassin's Creed." Shedauwz said as Roxas chuckled.

"Yup."

Anyway, I don't own:

Anything mentioned in this fic because I'm too lazy to actually go back and name everything.


	3. Chapter 3

...

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail. Hiro Mashima does. Because if I did, Jellal wouldn't exist, Natsu wouldn't end every single fight with a Nakama Punch, and Gajeel would get the respect he F*ckin' deserves while having a sexy harem. Also, Cobra would be smackin' bitches left and right like a freakin' boss.

* * *

On one cold December night, as the cold air blew through a small cabin in the woods, five men and one fourteen year old boy sat at a round table.

"Don't you think this is a little wrong? I mean, five dudes, in a cabin, in the woods? What the hell do you think people are going to think?" Shedauwz asked as Roxas nodded and their cabin turned into a mansion full of playboy bunnies.

"Better?" Roxas asked as Shedauwz grinned.

"Hell yeah!" Shedauwz roared as he stood up and began chasing the women around while they giggled.

"Seriously? Is that all you and Shedauwz talk and/or think about?" Kuroyagi asked as he had a normal head.

"Ah, I see you learned what happened when you mess with me?" Kuroyagi asked smugly as a sadistic grin appeared across Roxas' face.

"You'll learn what happens when you trap me in a barrel of liquor and make me drunk the entire chapter." He said ominously as Kuroyagi narrowed his eyes and shrugged.

"Anyway, who are the other three people?" Kuroyagi asked as Roxas stood up and motioned to them as they appeared as he introduced him.

"First off we have, Pot. A 14 year old British Kid who tends to use big words that go right over my head." He said as Pot appeared. Well…a crow appeared.

"The hell?" Kuroyagi asked seeing a crow and not a person.

The crow, Pot, coughed as he suddenly wore a tuxedo and a top hat even though he was a crow.

"Good eve'n gents! Shall we discuss today's politics while sippin- Roxas, I swear if you keep this up I'll bitchslap your ass out of reality." Pot said losing his over posh and stuck up British accent.

Kuroyagi chuckled as Roxas pulled a Pokedex out of his pocket and pointed it at Pot.

'_Porcelain Pot. Primary-Bitch type. Secondary-Law type._' The Pokedex said in a low sexual voice as everyone began sweating

Roxas coughed as he motioned to an armchair showing a man sitting in an armchair sipping sake. He was dressed in hakama pants and a tee shirt and had a ponytail.

"Yo, names Kingsun. You can just call me King though." He said simply as Kuroyagi nodded in greeting while Roxas and Pot both started sweating.

"Y-You're not supposed to be here!" Roxas shouted as he pointed at King who winked at him.

"Urgh….stop with the winking." Roxas complained as King sipped some more sake.

"Why? Does it unnerve you?" King asked with a smirk before he winked at Roxas again who simply glared in return.

"I wanted Kato. Not you." He said simply pissed he couldn't get Kato to join.

"Ahem, who's the fifth person?" Kuroyagi asked as Sam, from the previous chapter appeared as he drank bubbles.

"Ah, I see you and King are flirting again." Sam said laughing as Roxas rolled his eyes and Sam grinned.

"Me and Sam have never flirted before in our life." Roxas said chuckling.

"Is that so? Let me remind you of this then." He said as the scene went back to a month ago.

* * *

"Its 4:25 in the morning here... I have no energy." He said with a yawn as Roxas chuckled.

"I would recommend you go to bed..." Roxas said simply as King sighed.

"People will come soon, I guess...but why did you have to be so freakishly far away?" He asked as a faint smile appeared on Roxas' face.

Roxas held a hand over his heart and winked at King, "Oh! King, I didn't know you thought about me **that **way. We'll have to be careful to make sure Eva doesn't find out about us." Roxas said grinning referring to his sister and King's girlfriend.

King's eyes went wide as he realized he had been given away, "Fine...but give me just one little kiss...now that you know" he said as he pucker his lips and Roxas walked over to him slowly with a faint smile across his lips.

Roxas smiled sweetly as he kissed his palm and slapped King across the face.

"Love you!" He said with a giggle as King swooned.

"Aw, you tsundere, tough love guy! I'll never wash that cheek again!" King said before he let out a girlish giggle.

Roxas winked before he hugged him and ran off squealing like a teenage girl.

"Huhuhuhuhuhuhu!" King said as he pulled a bow out of nowhere be he shot a Cupid's arrow at Roxas' back, then watched it caught fire, thunder, ice, poison, dark energy, more fire, badassness, lethal virus, chicken pox, even more fire, as it went after him with amazing velocity.

"Whoops!" King said as he checked the bow, "Wrong bow...te-hee!" He said smiling.

Roxas turned around and caught it and held it close to his heart, "_I'll_ keep this forever, _Secret Lover__ !" _He said in a low and husky voice.

King blushed and raised his hand before waving him away, "Oh, stop you!" he said feeling embarrassed.

Roxas sat down on a sofa before looking at King while blushing, "I-I didn't know you felt this way about me…." He trailed off as a light blush graced his cheeks.

King chuckled as he sat down in his armchair that was conveniently placed in front of Roxas' sofa. He rested his head on top of his pet lion's head and gazed into Roxas' eyes.

"I had to hide my feelings you know." He said lightly as Roxas bit his lip and blushed an even deeper shade of red.

He sighed and leaned back in his sofa as he looked up at King pouting, "I-If Eva were to ever find out about us…" he said not needing to even finish his sentence as King already knew.

"She won't...but...y-you haven't proved your feelings for me yet...w-would you do me a favor?" King asked shyly and Roxas tilted his head to the side before covering half of his face with his hair.

"S-Sure."

"My pet...I want her to be happy...so...would you let her...rough you up a bit? It would make her very happy...f-for me?" he asked pleading as Roxas bit his lip and thought about it.

"I-I guess…." He trailed off as King smiled happily.

* * *

"…"

Kuroyagi's jaw dropped as a grin spread across his face. Shedauwz covered his mouth as he eyed Roxas who remained impassive.

"I-I didn't know you swung that way." Shedauwz said as Roxas chuckled.

"I don't, and neither does King. This is why it's my duty not to ever let Sam type anything in a story." Roxas said as he chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all.

King sat back in his chair and chuckled, "Ya know, that is a pretty accurate though. If we were secret gay lovers, that's how we would act." King said as Roxas shrugged and Pot flew on his shoulder as Sam was passed out from drinking too many bubbles.

The lights dimmed as a spotlight shown on King and Kuroyagi.

* * *

King eyed Kuroyagi as if they'd known each other for centuries and an acoustic guitar began playing.

Here we are dear old friend  
you and I drunk again  
laughs have been had and tears have been shed  
maybe the whiskey's gone to my head

King stared into Kuroyagi's eyes as they both sipped their whiskey and Kuroyagi blushed as King moved a stray strand of hair out his face.

But if I were gay  
I would give you my heart  
And if I were gay  
You'd be my work of art-

* * *

"Yeah, no. This is sweet, but, I'm stopping this right now." Kuroyagi said as King returned to his armchair and went back to sipping his sake. Kuroyagi glared at Roxas, Pot, Shedauwz and Sam who just laughed their asses off.

"Aw, why'd you stop Kuro?" Shedauwz asked in between fits of laughter.

Kuroyagi sighed as he pulled out a notebook.

"What the hell!? Not again you bastard!" Shedauwz yelled as he glowed but was surprised to see he stayed the same.

"Ha! It didn't work! Jokes on you-" He stopped as he felt something soft press against his back. He turned around and met playful blue eyes.

His eyes widened as he saw she had silver hair.

'_No.'_

Sam turned away to contain his laughter while King had been disappeared as Roxas, Pot and Kuroyagi simply laughed their ass off.

The woman had long hair. She wore a ripped tee shirt that barely covered her G-cup breast.

'_Oh my god…..why!?'_

Along with short shorts that only came down to her thighs and that hung limply on her waist showing her awesome child bearing hips.

'_Seriously? What is it with you and child bearing hips?'_

She wore shorts boots that came up to her heels and fishnet stockings that went up to her thighs.

It was female Shedauwz.

Shedauwz' eyes widened as he saw his female counterpart.

Prepare for things to go really wrong in.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Female Shedauwz grinned as she pushed away from her make counterpart before gracefully twirling into Kuroyagi's arms. She grinned as she looked into Kuroyagi's eyes.

"Lover Boy." She said as she licked her lips and Kuroyagi began sweating.

"Um, hel-" Kuroyagi was cut off as she pressed her lips against his and forced her tongue into his mouth. His eyes widened as his body stiffened in horror.

Shedauwz vomited.

Female Shedauwz groped Kuroyagi's very firm buttocks and his eyes widened to the size of saucers as her tongue ravished the inside of his mouth. She shoved her hands up his shirt and rubbed his stomach as he was frozen in perpetual fear and male Shedauwz just stared in horror.

"Roxas! I told you I have a shit time visualizing someone as an opposite gender! Why are you doing this you bastard!?" Shedauwz asked as he tried to ignore the fact his female counterpart was raping Kuroyagi's mouth.

"You called me DJ. I hate being called DJ. This is your punishment." Roxas replied curtly as Shedauwz dropped to his knees as tears came to his eyes.

Female Shedauwz pulled away from Kuroyagi as he stared in horror as a string of saliva hung from their mouths as she drug him into a closet. Everyone sweated as they heard moaning and girlish screaming as Kuroyagi screamed at the fact he was being raped. Shedauwz cried as he collapsed to the floor.

Roxas, Sam, Pot and King, who magically appeared walked over to his unconscious body as Kuroyagi was raped violently.

Sam walked over and ripped off his shoes.

"These bitches are mine." He said as he walked off with Shedauwz' shoes.

Roxas shoved his hands in Shedauwz' pockets and pulled out his wallet.

"Oh! I'm taking his money and credit cards." Roxas said with glee as Pot hummed.

"I want his social security card." Pot said chuckling to himself.

They walked away with their desired items as Roxas through his wallet in the trash.

King grinned as he got a cup of coffee and poured it in Shedauwz' mouth before walking away.

* * *

"Don't you think you went a little crazy with this one?" Sam asked as Roxas shrugged.

"Technically I could just reset everything and we can start from the beginning." Roxas said as everything reset.

* * *

On one cold, December night five men and one fourteen year old boy sat at a round table in their mansion filled with playboy bunnies.

"…..I hate you." Shedauwz and Kuroyagi both said simultaneously as Roxas quirked an eyebrow.

"Why?" He asked Shedauwz and Kuroyagi both glared.

"Because of wha-"

"Shhhh, I reset everything so you need to not mention that." Roxas said with a chuckle.

Shedauwz and Kuroyagi nodded as Roxas' phone rang and he put it on speaker.

"Wassup bitch?" Roxas said as a jolly voice answered.

"Ho Ho Ho! Roxas! How're you?" Santa asked on the other line, laughing like the jolly bastard he is.

"Fine I suppose….Why?" Roxas asked as everyone leaned in close to the phone.

"Weeeeeell, I need some help with tonight's deliveries. I was wondering if you boys could help me out." Santa said with his usual jolly tone.

"Yeah, no we're busy." Shedauwz replied as Santa sighed.

"If you help me I'll let you screw my wife." Santa said as everyone grinned.

"We'll be ready!"

"Of course we'll help you!"

"We're gonna get those deliveries made!"

"Tell us when you're gonna stop by."

"I'm gonna screw your wife so hard!"

Were the numerous replies as Santa laughed and told them he'd be by at 11:45 P.M.

* * *

_11:45 P.M._

Santa pulled around as they all huddled into the sleigh.

"So, how've you boys been?" Santa asked as they sailed through the sky.

"Eh, same shit as usual Santa." Kuroyagi said as he sat next to Santa.

"I see." Santa said as he discreetly placed a hand on Kuroyagi's thigh which wasn't missed by anyone. He slowly began to rub Kuroyagi's thigh as Kuroyagi's eyebrows furrowed.

'_What the hell?'_

"You know, out of all of you, Kuroyagi has been the best out of all of you. So, Kuroyagi, how would you like to get your present now? And it's been a long time since anyone's given me a gift." Santa said as he leaned over licked Kuroyagi's neck.

"Gah! What the hell!? First I'm raped by Female Shedauwz-

"I thought I told you to forget that?" Roxas asked as he pulled a bandana out of his pocket.

"And now this? Seriously!? What the hell?" Kuroyagi yelled as he pushed Santa back and Roxas wrapped his bandana around Santa's neck and started to choke him as King ripped his coat open to reveal nothing but pillows.

"Holy…." Sam said as he opened the bags of 'presents' to see nothing but dildos as Shedauwz ripped his beard pulled one out and began beating Santa senseless with it.

_1 hour of beating Santa senseless later_

Roxas huffed as he and Shedauwz threw the fat bastard off of the sleigh and watched as it hit the ground with a sickening splat.

"…..Did we just kill Santa?" Kuroyagi asked as he tried to wipe the blood off of his arms only to smear the blood over his arm.

"Yeah…We're killers dude." Shedauwz remarked as he changed the sleigh's direction.

"Where's Pot?" Sam asked as Roxas shrugged before he grinned.

"Hell yeah! Santa's wife just facebooked me and told me she's _single_!" He said as he received high fives.

"So, where are we headed?" King asked as Shedauwz chuckled.

"You'll see." He said as to be continued flashed across the screen.

* * *

Gajeel facepalmed. Why did he even watch this show anymore? It was like he was addicted to it.

He walked out of his room and stared at the guild and eyed the Christmas' decorations warily. He knew something was going to be going wrong.

"Hasn't everything already gone wrong?" Cobra asked as he suddenly appeared next to him.

"What the hell do you mean?" Gajeel asked with a raised eyebrow.

Cobra pointed to a _very_ pregnant Female Natsu and Gajeel did a spit take.

"WHAT!?" Gajeel asked slack jawed as Cobra chuckled.

"No one knows who the baby daddy is. It's either you or Sting. We've deduced that much." Cobra said with nod as a smirk appeared on his face.

Gajeel's eyes widened, "Like hell it's me! I never had sex with her!" he said with righteous indignation.

Cobra snickered, "Everyone knows you had drunk sex with her."

Gajeel's jaw dropped. He did? He totally didn't remember that. He bit his lip. What was he going to name the kid? So many names he could choose between! Metalicana. Gajeel Jr. Wait.

"Me or….Sting?" Gajeel asked with a twitching eye.

"Yup. She and Sting made mad passionate love if I remember correctly. They were sober too. Kept telling each other how much they loved each other and how they were going to get married and all of that sappy shit." Cobra said hiding his smile and Gajeel went complete Yandere mode.

Cobra sat back and watched as Gajeel calmly walked over to Sting and Natsu.

Sting leaned back in his chair with his arm around Natsu shoulder as she rested with her head on his chest. They looked up as they saw Gajeel walking towards them smiling.

"So, I heard you two were…..getting married?" Gajeel asked masking his anger.

Sting nodded cheerfully, "Yup! We're getting married tomorrow."

"Say, do you want to be my best man?" Sting asked as Gajeel's eyes widened.

"First off, like hell I'm gonna let you steal my woman." Gajeel said as he grabbed Natsu by the arm and ripped her towards him as Sting stood up and yanked her towards him.

"Back off." Sting said as he let out a low growl and Gajeel's eyes narrowed.

"You need to take your damn hands off my woman." Gajeel replied as Natsu looked between them.

"Um, I 'm pretty sure I have a say in thi-"

"Shut up." They replied simultaneously as she simply squeaked and let them argue.

* * *

Laxus hid in the rafters quaking with fear as he was finally able to get away from his female counterpart. So many times she almost raped him. So many times he almost gave into the temptation. No, he would do no such thing. He would stay strong. Yup. He gulped as he looked around to make sure she wasn't there and instantly regretted it.

His eyes widened as he fell out of the rafter screaming. Everyone turned as he pointed towards the rafter and everyone waved at Slenderman who waved back.

Female Laxus grabbed Laxus and shoved his head in her cleavage.

"What? Don't tell me Slender scared you? That's a little pitiful ya know. Its ok, I'll make sure no one ever scares you again as she dragged Laxus off as he screamed for someone to save him.

No one did.

* * *

Gildarts kicked the doors in dragging Male Natsu along with her who just shivered. Gajeel cocked an eyebrow as he saw Male Natsu.

"Yo." Gajeel said simply.

"H-Hey…." Natsu replied weakly as Gildarts chuckled.

"Well, now that Gildarts here, we can get down to business, eh?" Cobra said grinning wickedly.

Everyone's attention turned to him as he took a seat and kicked back with Cana in his lap.

"So, the 'fathers' of Female Natsu's twin babies are…" Cobra trailed as listened with interest.

"Are you guys ready for this because it gets pretty freakin' disturbing?" Cobra warned as everyone rolled their eyes.

"Just tell everyone I'm the father" Sting said smugly.

"Wait, she's having twins?" Gajeel asked excited and Cobra nodded.

"….."

"Who's the damn father of her babies!?" Everyone shouted simultaneously.

"Gildarts and Elfwoman." Cobra answered simply as everyone's jaw dropped.

"H-How is that even possible?" Sting asked with a twitching eye as Female Natsu silently backed away.

"Do I really have to say?" Cobra asked as everyone, except Gildarts, Elfwoman, and both Natsu, nodded.

"Seriously?" Cobra asked not believing this.

"YES!" They all yelled and Cobra laughed.

"Gildarts and Elfwoman are….._shemales._" He said as everyone's eyes widened and a few people passed out.

Gajeel's face distorted into one of disgust and amusement. Of course this would happen. Of course some random ass shit like this would happen.

Both Laxus' stared in awe as Elfwoman began flexing and Gildarts nodded with smile.

Gray poured herself another beer. Yup, she was becoming an alcoholic. When reality rapes your mind you have to find something to kill the pain. This was definitely painful.

Cana took a deep breath and just decided to drink. She wasn't even going to bother with it. So long as she didn't contract her mother's….._condition,_ she was satisfied.

Female Gajeel stared at her twin sister who just shrugged and bit her lip.

"Wait…..N-Natsu…..d-didn't you have sex with Gildarts in the last chapter?" Sting asked as Natsu looked away as a single tear rolled down his cheek and he covered his butt with both of his hands. Rogue vomited everywhere. Gajeel laughed his ass off. Laxus laughed insanely. Sting backed away before he rocked in a corner not understanding what was going on with his life.

"Wait a second, you said, Gildarts and Elfwoman were both the parents….How's that possible?" Erza asked disturbed by all of this.

"One twin is Gildarts' the other is Elfwoman's." Cobra replied simply as everyone nodded dumbly.

This was so screwed up.

* * *

Gajeel sighed as he walked downstairs to the kitchen. He turned the corner and walked to the refrigerator before opening it and taking out the carton of orange juice. He got a glass and filled it up before chugging it. He sat the glass on the counter before he let out a pent up sigh.

Yup, he had sex with his sister. He closed his eyes before putting the juice back in the refrigerator and pulling out a pack of bacon. He sat at the table silently and chewed on the cold bacon. He deserved this. He slammed his face on the table and groaned.

"This is just pitiful." Minerva said walking into the kitchen and sitting at the table. She poked his head only to get no response and rolled her eyes.

"What's done is done. Get over it." She said before standing up and walking away.

Gajeel cried silently.

* * *

"That was delightfully disturbing." Cobra remarked as I stood next to him.

"Yeah, this fic got so messed up I have no clue what happened." Roxas admitted as Kuroyagi appeared next to him.

"Anything wrong that could happen, happened." Kuroyagi said as he thought back to them killing Santa.

"I'm just glad we got rid of the bastard." Shedauwz said laughing his ass off.

"Yeah, I'm probably gonna end this entire fic here. I-It's gone on too far." Roxas said as the camera panned out before 'fin' flashed across the screen.

* * *

"That was the most retarded show I've ever seen in my life." Roxas said as the credits roll and Shedauwz ate some popcorn.

"It was…amusing…sort of…" Shedauwz said warily not really understanding what happened.

"Why was this ever created?" Kuroyagi asked.

"I was drunk and horny." Roxas admitted as everyone nodded.

"Note to self: Don't let Roxas near his computer when he's drunk. Or we'll all suffer." Kuroyagi said as the screen faded to black.

Fin.

T-T-That's all folks!

'If I were gay' belongs to Stephen Lynch!


End file.
